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Brace yourself for something completely different! I couldn’t think of anything serious or meaningful to write about, and I was bored and hungry. So here’s what you get:
Not long ago, it seemed like McMuffins were the only (chain) breakfast sandwich going. In part, this was because of my long-time ban on sober Burger King–while their breakfast stylings look like a better-than-abysmal option, I’m not ‘usually’ drunk at breakfast time, and even today (note: not the day of the actual posting of this blog. Just the day I started this project.), when I was prepared to break the ban temporarily, at 10:20, the BK near my office had already switched to their lunch menu. It may be because off the odd hours I keep, or it may be because all these sandwiches are just a bit disgusting, but it’s a frosty day in hell that I can handle one of these puppies before 10am. And never, ever could I handle a burger or poutine at 10:20am, so Burger King, you’re off the list…
Anyway, back to the story. So a while back now, Tim Hortons introduced breakfast sandwiches, and you know what? They’re pretty great. OH BUT WAIT! Then Starbucks came along. Before all this, Subway stepped into the then barely-existant fray, and back in my Acadia days, I enjoyed many a Subway breakfast sandwich. But now that everyone else is in… Subway is all but out (I’ll explain in a minute).
Now that all these options are available, I think it’s important that we have a good guide to the world of sandwich-type breakfast options in the <$4 arena. They’re all the same, you say? NOT HARDLY! So read along, and comment away with your perspectives, particularly if you’re not on a BK ban and have any opinions about that particular set of offerings.
My favourite:
Breakfast tacos in Austin, from the trailer by the school for the deaf. Joking. Well, not about them being my favourite, but about them qualifying for this particular round of tasty competition. They’re not readily available as part of my downtown Toronto lifestyle. Particularly not the ones from that trailer by the school for the deaf. And as many times as I’ve ranted about this particular issue while walking past Toronto’s various Texan, Tex-Mex or otherwise kind of Mexican-like establishments, no one has taken me up on my challenge.
My favourite IN TORONTO:
Starbucks! Who knew. I’m not usually the first to admit that I like Starbucks. Mostly because other than my usual venti soy chai tea misto with a shot of sugar-free cinnamon dolce syrup (that’s right, I’m one of those douches), Starbucks doesn’t have a whole lot going for it in my mind. I really, really dislike their coffee, particularly their drip coffee, but we’ll talk about that later. Actually, let’s talk about it now: it tastes like burnt garbage. But right now, the point is their new breakfast sandwiches, and let me just say, they are delicious. Specifically the eggs florentine. Eggs, spinach and havarti on an english muffin, grilled to godly perfection? Yes please. The price, however, is a bit higher than I’d like, but it’s Starbucks. The other big plus is that they grill them with the cheese in, so unlike most of the other contenders, it actually melts properly and is nice and gooey. Yum. I want one now… I’ll be back… (Image courtesy iirraa.)
Most fatty in a delicious way:
Surprise, surprise, Tim Horton’s takes the cake on this one. Not because of any proof that their sandwiches are any fattier than anyone else’s (note: said proof is available here (vs. Starbucks and McD’s (note: I only looked at the breakfast burritos and the sausage and egg McMuffins. The McGriddles scare me too much to even look.))). No, it’s not the ‘facts’, nutritionally speaking, though they do support my case. No, the only ‘fact’ I need is the fact they they but their delicious, factory-made and truck-shipped rounds of eggs and sausage and squares of cheese into a delicious, once frozen, baked, and toasted buttery hexagonal ‘homestyle’ biscuit. Which they then apply more butter to before adding the aforementioned toppings. I don’t know about you, but nothing says homestyle to me like a perfectly six-sided biscuit. And of course nothing says homestyle to me like 18 grams of saturated fat. Good times, good times. But seriously, all that butter (fat) makes them pretty darn tasty. (Image courtesy Ceci un Matt).
Most traditionally delicious:
Not being one to mistake homestyle for traditional, I’ve got to step back into the long (?) history of breakfast sandwiches, to what I consider to be, with absolutely no fact-checking or external verification, the home of the original breakfast sandwich. And by that, I mean that growing up, all we had in my town was McD’s and BK, and we all know where on stand on the Burger King issue. So therefore, the most traditionally delicious breakfast sandwich comes from McDonald’s, and is, specifically the egg & sausage McMuffin. I also appreciate the breakfast burritos, though they don’t hold a candle to a good breakfast taco, and I’ve tried McGriddles… All I remember is the sickness that ensued. So let’s stick to McMuffins, and let’s face it: they’re readily available, they’re cheap, they’re fast, and they can be paired with McDonald’s delicious iced coffee (a significant advantage of Tim Hortons, whose coffee I neither enjoy, nor can procure iced at most locations not in the Maritimes (I’m confused by that one too, the sentence and the fact). (Image courtesy Ja-ae).
The “Thanks for Coming Out” Award goes to…
Timothy’s! This is perhaps the latest entry into the breakfast sandwich game of the chains. And, well… it’s the exact same as a McMuffin, but maybe a bit less greasy, and made, literally, with the same eggs as Tim Hortons (those lovely perfectly round factory-made wonders). Maybe they’re a bit less greasy. They’re DEFINITELY more microwaved. They’re interesting in that “why do I ever even come to this place?” kind of sense that you get from most Timothy’s products, between the total confusion you create when you ask for something other than a large coffee, the complete inconsistency across the chain, and the six years you often have to wait for your sandwich ingredients to come out of the microwave. But good for you for trying, Timothy’s. Your continued existence continues to amaze me.
Fastest downward spiral:
Let me tell you a story. One time, specifically mid-summer 2002, the Subway franchise in Wolfville was taken over by new management from New Minas. Yes, let the terrifying name scare you. Because that is exactly what it did me. My friends and I at work used to take a mid-morning break for breakfast (because again, who can really stomach breakfast before 10?) and head en masse to Subway. And for most of the summer, it was an enjoyable experience. Until we met the crazy manager from hell… I mean, New Minas. First, my friend asked for her usual: a ham & egg sandwich, but instead of ham could she have turkey, because dietary restrictions did not allow her to eat pork. Note: this is not uncommon. The manager told her that this was simply impossible and when my friend said she got it almost every day, the answer was something along the lines of “well this Subway has been operating in a substandard way for years, and if you asked for that at any other Subway, they’d look at you like you had two heads.” The two heads part is verbatim. So anyway, after that flawed transaction, I was told that there was no ketchup, and had never been any ketchup available at any subway ever (a lie), and harsh words were exchanged. Also, this crazy lady took away the pineapple. What is a sub without pineapple, I ask? Needless to say, I made my own breakfast for a while following this incident.
And in my mind, Subway’s reputation never really recovered from this awkward and off-putting hit. Then, to top it all off, they did away with round bread. And let me ask you this: who wants a breakfast sandwiches on a 6″ sub? Those eggs come out of the factory round for a reason (oh yeah, they also switched from undercooking the eggs in-store to using the same egg rounds that Tim Hortons and Timothy’s use). Enough is enough! I just can’t take it anymore! That said, after BK declined my offer to sell me breakfast, I did end up taking one more stab at subway, on a six inch bun, and it was not good. In fact, it was the whole inspiration for this entry. My goal: to save my non-vegan readers from the treachery of subway and their sub-par breakfast offerings. Just don’t do it. It’s not worth it.
And with that, we’re pretty much at the end of things. From its humble days at my local McDonald’s, where a scary group of old men used to hang out and make plaques for themselves above the table where they always drank their morning coffee, to the vast cornucopia of greatness that is the current breakfast sandwich market, the answer to the question no one has asked is: avoid Subway like the plague. Note: views expressed here are no one’s other than my own. In fact, they’re barely even mine. Also: it is amazing how many people put pics of breakfast food online. Actually, it’s just a little bit gross.
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